Twenty-five years ago, Jewish relationship expert Alexandra H. Solomon found her two
besherts--
destinies.
First, she married her husband, Todd.
Then, as a newlywed, Solomon--a Northwestern University psychology grad student and teaching assistant at the time--began co-teaching the class called "Building Love and Lasting Relationships: Marriage 101" to undergrads.
The wildly popular class was created in 2000 by Northwestern Professors Arthur Nielson and Bill Pinsof. Nielson, a couples therapist, had remarked that his clients only sought therapy after years of struggle and pain in their marriages. So, the professors, along with Solomon, figured they could get a room full of undergrads together--before they settled down-to learn about relationship science and premarital education. This way, they could help others alleviate, or even prevent, some relationship turmoil they were bound to face down the road. A decade ago, Solomon took over at the helm of the course.
Today, Solomon wears many hats. She is a Northwestern University faculty member in the School of Education and Social Policy. She is a licensed clinical psychologist at Northwestern's Family Institute. And she is the founder of the Institute for Relational Self-Awareness, where she maintains a clinical practice for individuals and couples. Further, she speaks frequently, to groups and in the media.
Solomon is also a bestselling author. In 2023, she published her third book,
Love Every Day: 365 Relational Self-Awareness Practices to Help Your Relationship Heal, Grow, and Thrive
(PESI Publishing, Inc.). The book offers daily practices to cultivate a compassionate approach to relationships with one's partner-and with oneself.
As for Solomon and her husband? Just like the class, they're still going strong. They have two children, both in college, about the same age as her students.
Jewish Chicago
recently caught up with Solomon to reflect on 25 years of marriage--and 25 years of teaching how to maintain a healthy one.
Q. What does Marriage 101 entail?
A. It sits at the intersection of experiential and academia. We teach leading-edge science and clinical wisdom; the [class] also helps students understand their own family systems and apply the tools we're teaching.
How has the course-and the students taking the class, Gen Xers back then and Gen Zers today-evolved?
[In 2000], the average age of entry into marriage was 23 for women and 25 for men. Today, the average age of entry into marriage is 29 for women and 31 for men. That's an enormous shift: The class has always been taught to 20-, 21-, 22-year-olds, but when we started the class, marriage felt closer on the horizon for them… students today have more questions about marriage, and the curriculum has evolved to reflect those sociological challenges.
What's the most common concern for the couples that come to you for therapy?
The essential question is, 'How can I feel connected with you without losing myself?'
What are two vital ingredients to a healthy relationship?
First, pre-eminent marriage researchers and clinical psychologists Drs. John and Julie Gottman said that 40 years of marital research boils down to one thing: In a thriving relationship, when one person has a problem, the other person takes a deep breath and says, 'Tell me more.' If it's a problem for you, it's a problem for us.
Second… not everything in our thinking bubble should come out of our speaking bubble.
What is relational self-awareness?
It's the ongoing, curious, and compassionate relationship we have with ourselves that becomes the foundation for our intimate partnerships… In a marriage, it's easy to put your disappointments at your partner's feet. The braver option is to check in with yourself…What's the way in which I'm not taking care of myself well enough, and therefore feeling criticized or attacked by my partner.
Why did you write a book about love as a daily practice?
We grow up with this romanticized idea that love is grand, sweeping declarations and huge, demonstrative gestures. I'm not opposed to rose petals on the bed, but research shows that love is a verb that's enacted in the small, ordinary moments: it's the way you put your phone down and look up at your partner when they come into the room, or the way you hold off on the latest episode of White Lotus until they come home.
What's one piece of advice on nourishing relationships daily?
Lower expectations on yourself and others. There's the amount and quality of connection that you wish you could have all the time; and then there's what's realistic, possible, and generous to both of you.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon recently launched a MasterClass on managing anxiety. For more info, visit
tinyurl.com/drsolomonanxiety
. To learn more about Solomon's background, visit dralexandrasolomon.com.
