My neighbor is always ready to lend a hand, whether shoveling snow or helping to carry a heavy load. We often chat about our pets-her cats and my dog-and, sometimes, even delve into Jewish theology. But when I saw a bumper sticker on her boyfriend's car advocating for a politician I vehemently opposed, I felt betrayed without even knowing where she stood, and distanced myself from her.
I reflected on Jewish teachings about friendship. Leviticus 19:18 commands us to "love thy neighbor (or friend) as thyself." Was I living by that principle? I began to question the lack of political diversity among my friends. After several months of deliberation, I invited my neighbor to lunch and asked about her political views. Then, I just listened. Her perspective, though different from mine, helped me understand her better. I realized that distancing myself from her was more painful than trying to understand her, and she wasn't going anywhere as my neighbor.
In these turbulent times, we need friends who offer joy, support, and emotional wellbeing. It is comforting to surround ourselves with friends we agree with, but what can we do when we find some friendships have become painful? Perhaps they support policies or political leaders that we disagree with or even find abhorrent. It may seem that you no longer share the same values.
Here are several suggestions for navigating these types of friendships:
Assess the value of the relationship
Consider what you share as friends and where you differ. Do you have the emotional energy to sustain the friendship? Would it be a good idea to take a break? What helps you cope with painful feelings?
Sometimes, we feel bad about even considering distancing ourselves. Whether you stay engaged or not, it's important to take care of yourself.
Set clear boundaries
Agree to avoid politically charged topics if that helps. Instead, focus on shared interests like hobbies, memories, or common values.
Practice active listening
Take turns sharing your perspectives uninterrupted. Ask open-ended questions such as, "What led you to that conclusion?" or "How does this issue affect you personally?" This fosters curiosity, mutual respect, and deeper understanding.
Set ground rules for dialogue
If you're ready to engage, establish principles for the conversation, including when it's okay to interrupt or ask questions. Avoid demonizing or blaming the other person because of their beliefs. Also, clarify your goal; ideally it should be about understanding and not about winning.
Approach conversations with humility
Recognize that truth can be complex and not absolute. You might ask: "Where did you read or hear that?" or "Can you help me understand why you see it that way?" This also encourages mutual respect and reduces defensiveness.
Be open to change
Be flexible. If you need to adjust your approach or let go of certain topics, that's okay.
Prioritize self-care
If conversations become difficult, take a break, suggest a change in activity, or step away. Find what helps you feel centered, whether it's a walk, a light-hearted comment, a deep breath… or talking to someone else.
Allow space to grieve friendship losses
Changes in cherished friendships are painful. It's healthier to allow yourself to grieve than to bury the pain.
In these challenging times, friendships can be an anchor. By being intentional about our relationships, we increase the likelihood that they will fulfill our emotional needs. As Albert Einstein wisely said, "In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." Exploring ways to navigate complicated friendships can lead to greater self-awareness and growth.
For professional counseling to navigate these challenges, call JCFS Chicago at 855-275-5237 or email Ask@JCFS.org for
assistance
.
Aliza Becker is the Coordinator of Outreach and Support in JCFS Chicago's Community Services Department. An oral historian, her most recent project,
Meanings of October 27th,
which explores Pittsburghers' experiences and reflections on the 2018 synagogue shooting, is housed at the Rauh Jewish History Program and Archives in Pittsburgh.
