Single, and singular

As a single woman in an overwhelmingly married Orthodox community, Sarah Lavane (a pseudonym) often felt misunderstood.

“Over the years, my single friends and I always felt that people who were not in our situation just did not get it,” she said. “Whether it was a relative who lectured us, a matchmaker who felt we were too picky, or non-religious or non-Jewish people who were baffled that we weren’t inundated with dates, I was tired of being misunderstood.”

In her 2022 memoir Unmatched: An Orthodox Jewish woman’s mystifying journey to find marriage and meaning, Lavane explores the complex world of Orthodox Jewish dating. She wrote it for two different audiences:

First, she wrote it to validate other “unmatched” singles–and ultimately to inspire hope in them.

Second, Lavane wrote the book to convey to married people, the “matched,” what it feels like to be single. “This was the sole topic I felt my own Orthodox world didn’t fully comprehend and should,” she said. “I needed the ‘matched’ society I was living in to understand the ‘unmatched’ among them better.”

In the book, she details a multitude of fixups by family members, matchmakers, coworkers, and friends. She wrestles with the struggle of attraction to men who are off-limits to her, as well as the importance of not settling for someone with incompatible values.

Through near misses in engagements, dating website mishaps, and comical Jewish singles events and Shabbatons Lavane was sustained by her faith. Although less observant and non-Jewish readers “may not share my beliefs, we all share the emotions of love, hope, heartbreak, loss, regret, and so much more.”

The book–which begins in Lavane’s childhood and extends into a battle with disease and infertility in her 40s-deals with themes of “empathy, forgiveness, resilience, moving on from loss, faith, and validation” by exploring a variety of relationships. While some go wrong at the outset, others seem promising until life gets in the way.

As many of her friends–and later, her siblings–got married, Lavane felt that being single in one’s 20s, 30s, and beyond was seen as an uncomfortable and unapproachable topic. She had read plenty of dating books, but found none delved deep enough.

Lavane shares her journey toward self-acceptance and self-love, and her realization that every life, married or not, is valuable. Her most important lesson for the “unmatched?” “Don’t lose yourself while looking for someone else.”

Learn more about Unmatched at unmatchedstory.com.