A different kind of b’mitzvah

Marc Luban and Ariana Handelman on the day of their combined bar and bat mitzvah party: helping to build a playground. (Photo credit: Photography by Frederic P. Eckhouse)

Eleven years ago, best friends Ariana Handelman and Marc Luban had a one-of-a-kind bar and bat mitzvah party: They built a playground in a day.  

On “Build Day,” Handelman and Luban—along with their families and friends, fellow members of Anshe Emet Synagogue, and members of Bright Star Church Chicago—came together in partnership with the playground-building organization KABOOM! Together, they built a fun, safe play space for the children of Bright Star on the South Side. The construction followed months of fundraising and planning by the teens—and their parents, as both Handelman and Luban point out. Looking back, the two young adults from Lakeview are deeply appreciative of the experience.  

Reflecting that his bar mitzvah service at Anshe Emet had been wonderful and “celebration enough,” Luban, now a musician in New York, said that he and Handelman wanted “to do something to help the world.”  

Handelman, who made aliyah in August, described Build Day as a “beautiful day of collaboration” that went beyond more static interfaith efforts. “You’re carrying mulch, [and] you’re also talking about life,” she said.  

The end result? “The playground was amazing,” Luban said. “It was also just a good thing to do.”  

Many of us may think of a “typical” b’mitzvah as a service in synagogue on Shabbat followed by a big party that weekend, often at great expense. But there are many different and meaningful ways to honor the milestone. For some, a nontraditional party is the right fit; for others, a nontraditional service is an important consideration.  

Leslie Landman is a member of Anshe Sholom B’nai Israel Congregation as well as Temple Jeremiah, where she is Director of Philanthropy. She and her husband Aaron Feigelson found that what worked, as they helped their three children mark becoming a bar or bat mitzvah, was “really listening to them, and finding a way to create a meaningful Jewish experience,” customized for each one.  

Though Ezra, their oldest son, felt it was important to do everything within a more traditional framework, for their other two kids, a traditional framework didn’t resonate in the same way.   

Their daughter, Raizel, had an intimate, women’s afternoon Torah service in a private venue, followed by the evening service and a female-led Havdalah ceremony marking the end of Shabbat. The service included readings of poetry, and a strong sense of “female bonding and female connection” was woven throughout. Their youngest, Ilan, “has been interested in Disney his whole life,” and his bar mitzvah was also intimate: a Disney-themed service and celebration on a Thursday morning in Landman’s mother’s backyard. Ezra’s bar mitzvah party had also been unique: a Chicago Architecture Center bus tour. 

“Our parenting has always been very based on following our kids’ individual personalities, and being adaptive to who they are, and how they want to express themselves,” Landman said. 

Since a traditional b’mitzvah celebration can sometimes mean an event with a large guest list, a nontraditional celebration might also mean a smaller event… with a smaller price tag.    

“There’s a lot of social pressure,” said Michelle Rane of Highland Park. While her older daughter did have a large party, two years later, her twins decided they weren’t going to do the same thing.  

Instead, the Ranes invited 10 friends each and about 20 adult family members and friends. After services at Am Shalom in Glencoe, they rented a game truck and hosted a reception in their backyard. 

“It was like a glorified birthday party,” Rane said.  

Whether it’s building a playground, playing ukulele at a female-led Havdalah service, or being called to the Torah outside on a beautiful summer day, there are many ways to honor this important lifecycle moment—ways that are big and small, traditional and not. In the end, every celebration is as special as the person being celebrated.