A friend, indeed

In the age of social media, many of us find ourselves with hundreds, if not thousands, of friends. The average Facebook user has 338 friends, Twitter users accrue over 700 friends, and Instagrammers can easily have over 350 of their “nearest and dearest.”

While there are benefits of having a robust and diverse group of friends around the world, studies have shown that less than 30% of these “friends” are genuine connections.

When we enter the High Holiday season of repentance, our journey takes place on two parallel paths. One is a renewed focus on religious dedication and commitment. The second is a sincere effort to improve the relationships with the people in our lives.

Investing time and effort into people is even part of the name of the holiday itself. Rosh Hashanah is referred to as a Yom Teruah, a day when the horn is sounded (Numbers 29:1). The word teruah means “to sound a blast,” as from the shofar. 

Remarkably, the word teruah might have an additional meaning as well. The great 11th century commentator, Rashi, commenting on Numbers 23:21, translates the word as an expression of chibah v’reut-love and fellowship.

Perhaps the underlying message of Rosh Hashanah is that our relationships are front and center, requiring investment, time, commitment, and effort.

From mending relationships that have soured to strengthening and developing new connections in our lives, we emphasize the people in our lives, whether it’s briefly greeting a fellow shul-goer on Shabbat or having a long conversation with a childhood friend.

A genuine relationship is a deep connection, with someone who is there throughout life’s ups and downs, who supports and even criticizes us, and with whom we share our vulnerabilities.

It is not a coincidence that the term teruah includes the word ra, meaning “bad.” A friend is with you when life is good and not so good-when dreams are fulfilled but especially when life is difficult and overwhelming.

In fact, so essential is our role in these relationships that the Rambam insists that Yom Kippur, our holiest day, only achieves forgiveness for sins between ourselves and God (Laws of Repentance, 2:9). Sins committed against others require us to directly ask forgiveness from them, and be forgiven by them. No other method will suffice-only our own personal, heartfelt efforts.

While we might have many friends on social media, there is a tipping point. Any grouping larger than about 150 strains the brain’s cognitive capacity, according to Robin Dunbar, an Oxford University anthropologist who studies social networks. Dunbar argues we cannot effectively manage relationships with hundreds of people.

“People obviously like the kudos of having hundreds of friends,” he said. “With social media, we can easily keep up with the lives and interests of far more than a hundred and fifty people. But without investing face-to-face time, we lack deeper connections to them, and the time we invest in superficial relationships comes at the expense of more profound ones.”

A “like” on Facebook means so little, as it takes almost no effort or thought. How can it possibly compare to a warm smile, a conversation, or just a “hello” in person?

As the shofar sounds this Rosh Hashanah, let’s envision our dreams for the relationships in our lives… and hope that this coming year will see more people truly included in our circle of friends.

Rabbi Aaron Leibtag serves as Associate Rabbi of Congregation K.I.N.S. of West Rogers Park and is a middle school teacher and advisor at Hillel Torah Day School.