‘Simpsons’ writer chronicles his adventures around the world

When Mike Reiss isn’t winning awards for The Simpsons , chances are he’s traveling with his wife. We’re not talking any of the Disney theme parks (his choice), we’re talking less traveled, more remote, and definitely more dangerous (her choice).

“After visiting the wettest place on earth, Denise took me to the driest place on earth (the Atacama Desert), the highest (Mount Everest), the lowest (the Dead Sea), and the dullest (her 25th high school reunion),” Reiss writes in What Am I Doing Here? a hilarious account of their mostly unconventional travels.

Reiss regards every new trip the way he regards a new U.S. president: “a little hope, a lot of fear, and the belief that somehow I will survive this.” When the latter is in question (in Pakistan’s Kelasha Valley, the only road leading out is destroyed by a landslide), he invariably tells her, “You wanted to come.”

The writer has a keen eye for the tiny differences that make every country fascinating. In Hong Kong, he reports, “air conditioning is set to meat-locker coldness. In Peru, corn on the cob is the size of a football…In Costa Rica they call speed bumps ‘dead policemen!'”

From encountering Satan in Bolivia to a “brutal, but totally worth it,” three-hour hike to get to the Tiger’s Nest’s complex of monasteries in Bhutan, “travel delivers,” Reiss proclaimed.

“The world’s landmarks have been drawing visitors for centuries; if the Grand Canyon were overrated, news would have reached Yelp! by now,” he continued. “The Great Pyramids really are great. The Great Wall of China is great, too. Machu Picchu, high in the Andes, is cloaked in mystery and magic… until you actually visit. Then you’ll recognize it instantly for what it is: an old Catskills resort, but for the Incas, not the Finkels.”

This is but one reference to Reiss’ Jewish heritage.

“When you’re Jewish,” he ruminated, “you don’t care about revisiting your roots. Because this isn’t the country you came from, it’s the country you were chased out of. In my case, I’m half Russian, and my family’s story is so sad it makes Fiddler on the Roof look like a musical. I mean, Fiddler on the Roof is already a musical, but I was referring to a happy musical like Annie, not a sad one like, uh, Fiddler on the Roof.”

What Am I Doing Here? is brimming with great stories, but also practical advice. For example, if you plan to visit Iraq, best to leave off your visa application that you are a Jewish writer. Reiss’ travel agent informs him it would be best to list himself as a Catholic publicist.

What would a travel book be without pictures? Reiss is a great poser, whether regarding the installations at Iceland’s penis museum to wondering where he will urinate in the vast frozen expanse of the Great Bolivian Salt Flat.

What Am I Doing Here? will cheer the experiential enthusiast and armchair traveler alike. It may especially appeal to those who wouldn’t be caught dead in, say, North Korea, Chernobyl, or at a Chilean luxury resort that once served as a slaughterhouse. As one of the book’s headers states, “A Simpsons writer visits the world’s hellholes, so you don’t have to.”

But after reading this, even you may want to.

Donald Liebenson is a Chicago writer who writes for VanityFair.com, LA Times, Chicago Tribune, and other outlets.