What’s your kvell to kvetch ratio?

Think about the way you communicate. In the aggregate, what percentage of what you “put out there” is positive versus negative? When you consider your reactions to and evaluations of different situations you encounter, is your tendency to offer a compliment or a complaint? If you had to tabulate it, what’s your kvell to kvetch ratio?  Researchers conclude that when it comes to successful relationships (personal or professional), a  5:1 compliment to complaint ratio proves ideal.  How close are you? Sadly, most of us come in somewhere in the range of an even split to 1:5! Oy.

But why? Discerning the negative in any situation and then “venting” proves very comfortable for us-even comforting. We likely assume that if we just “get it off our chest,” we’ll feel better about the situation. However, our complaint complacency literally makes us feel worse, as every time we complain, the stress hormone cortisol is released, weakening our immune systems, increasing our blood pressure, and predisposing us to a plethora of other negative ailments.

Worse, our tendency to kvetch can become second nature to us. As you might remember from biology class, “synapses that fire together, wire together.” Of note is that the connection gets stronger every time that same electrical charge is triggered. This makes thinking the same thought “easier” and more efficient. But not only that! Because we are essentially building up a stronger “complaint muscle” in our brain, the process also predisposes us to negative thinking in general.  

What, then, can we do to flip our ratio? Judaism offers a counter-cultural, yet seemingly simple solution: practice seeing the positive.  Literally meaning “recognizing the good,” hakarat hatov invites the understanding that gratitude need not only be that feeling after experiencing or receiving something positive. Gratitude can be something we seek out and cultivate proactively, recognizing the good that is already ours in every situation, even the negative ones.  In a gratitude practice such as this, we apply what Judaism calls our ratzon –our will–literally to transform the way we think.  Through the exact same process that made complaining so commonplace for place, we can consciously invite ourselves to see the positive, and strengthen our kvell muscle instead.

As Chaim Stern teaches: “Days pass and the years vanish, and we walk sightless among miracles.” But the choice to open our eyes is ours at any time, if only we might choose to do so.  A challenge, or an opportunity, for us all.  It just depends on how we choose to see it.

Rabbi Wendi Geffen is the Senior Rabbi of North Shore Congregation Israel in Glencoe.