Becoming an ‘adult,’ when you already are

At 13, Ryan Merkow didn’t have a bar mitzvah. But three decades later, Merkow–now a surgical oncologist living in Winnetka–has grown dedicated to Jewish learning, and studies Jewish texts in his spare time.

“Maybe it’s maturity and having a different perspective on life as an adult, especially since what I do on a daily basis is see a lot of sick patients,” he said. “For whatever reason, I’m increasingly connected to Jewish ideas and wisdom.”

After Merkow witnessed his daughter become a bat mitzvah at their synagogue, North Shore Congregation Israel (NSCI) in Glencoe, Rabbi Lisa S. Greene approached him about studying for his own bar mitzvah. In 2023, Merkow joined a dozen other adults in studying for their b’nei mitzvahs.

Since its inception in 2000, Greene has helmed and championed the synagogue’s Adult B’nei Mitzvah Program, the brainchild of Greene and Rabbi Steven Mason, now Rabbi Emeritus of the Congregation. This year, the program turns 25 with 136 alums. On Shavuot, they, along with the current class of 14 students, were called up to the bimah (pulpit) again.

While many other congregations feature adult b’nei mitzvah programs, NSCI offers a robust two-year program. Greene’s curriculum incorporates theology and community-building. It culminates in a group service, where the students chant from the Torah and lead prayers in the sanctuary. Each student also delivers a d’var Torah –a brief sermon.

“The classes inherently create community, with the students talking to each other about what they’re thinking, wrestling with prayers and G-d, and making even deeper connections with one another,” said Greene, who was inspired by watching her mom, then in her mid-50s, study for her big day.

At NSCI, adult b’nei mitzvah students are diverse, but skew female, since bat mitzvahs were only popularized 50 years ago. They range from 27 to 95; were born into various branches of Judaism, or are Jews by Choice; and include Chicago-area transplants from Mexico, the UK, Germany, the Czech Republic, Egypt, and Iran.

Two alums, a married couple born in Tehran, spoke powerfully about growing up as Persian Jews; another participant had been rescued on the Kindertransport; another student was Jacki Sundheim, a cherished member of the NSCI congregation and staff who was tragically killed at the Highland Park July Fourth parade in 2022; and one student was a Jew by Choice who gave birth to her fifth child while studying for her bat mitzvah.

Still, the students share a dedication to their studies. “Each student shares a passion for learning and a desire to take this journey for themselves-and the nerve to do it,” Greene said.

As a toddler, Inge Rothschild and her family escaped Germany; she grew up in Atlanta in a classically Reform congregation. She joined NSCI after moving to Chicago’s northern suburbs as an adult. In 2010, Rothschild, age 75 at the time, was called to the Torah, alongside her adult daughter Kathy, both wrapped in a tallit (prayer shawl) originally worn by her late husband’s great-great-grandfather.

“It made me feel more connected to my Judaism than ever before, and the fact that I did it with my daughter was particularly important to me,” recalled Rothschild, now 91. “I just remember sitting on the bima next to her, with the tallit around both of us. It was one of the most meaningful days of my life.”

Twenty-five years after the program launched, Greene kvells over each students’ transformative journey. “When you teach a child, it’s as if you raised them. I didn’t raise these adults, but I’m protective and proud of them,” she said. “They show up and learn and take this on. They don’t have to do this, but they choose to.”