‘Good enough?’

At some point in a relationship, we may ponder an important question: is good enough good enough? Our partner is nice, they like the same things we do… but is that all that matters?

The answer, of course, is “no.” You deserve to be in a relationship that is safe, healthy, loving–and one that fits your personal definition of love.

At SHALVA, a Jewish domestic-abuse support agency serving Illinois, survivors come for counseling services, both during and after their relationships. Some clients first reach out to SHALVA when they are preparing to re-enter the dating scene post-relationship. They don’t trust their intuition, and worry that they will end up in another abusive relationship.

Recently, one SHALVA client found herself in a new relationship and was unsure for an entirely different reason. This new partner was nice enough, and most importantly he didn’t abuse her. She wondered: shouldn’t that be good enough? Again, the answer is “no.”

It’s hard to leave a relationship that is healthy but still might not be right for you, especially for survivors of domestic abuse. Everyone deserves a relationship that feels good, one that meets the needs and expectations that you must define through self-exploration. Defining what a healthy relationship means to you is paramount to your personal strength.

Our therapists at SHALVA encourage you to create three lists of what you are looking for in a relationship before you’re in one. Consider your ‘must haves,’ your ‘would be nice to haves,’ and your ‘deal breakers.’

To start, make sure respect, trust, and communication are always on your ‘must haves’ list, since these are the core of every healthy relationship. Another ‘must have’ example might be that they respect your religious beliefs and clearly communicate feelings.

‘Would be nice to haves’ might be that they like to travel, and that they love dogs. ‘Deal breakers’ could be that they would want you to stop working if you started a family, or if they don’t want you spending time with your best friends. Whatever is on your list, write it out and hold fast to it.

While SHALVA supports survivors of domestic abuse through direct service, the organization also aims to promote healthy relationships across the Jewish community and beyond.

Enter Seven Circles. Offered by SHALVA, this new program helps couples in committed relationships explore their needs–both individually and with their partner–while gaining communications skills to support a healthy and loving relationship through the inevitable ups and downs of life.

SHALVA knows that the more we talk about what healthy love looks like as couples and as a community, the better we can all identify what is best for us in a relationship.

Your definition of love is your own. Before you start dating, or early in a relationship, make sure you are taking time to listen to yourself.

Because settling for something that is ‘good enough’ shouldn’t be good enough.

SHALVA–a partner in serving our community with, and a special grant recipient of–the Jewish United Fund of Chicago. To learn more about SHALVA, visit shalvacares.org or call the 24/7 helpline at 773-583-HOPE (4673 ). For more on Seven Circles, visit sevencirclesjourney.org .

Jordyn Scorpio is Director of Community Education for SHALVA.