A father figure

My dad and me at the beach on Long Island in the late 1980s.

In honor of the upcoming Father’s Day, and in celebration of all the menschy fathers in our community, I asked my own menschy dad, Neal, if I could chat with him—on the record—about his reflections on fatherhood.

My dad and I became parents at very different points in history. He became a dad during Watergate, in the 1970s, while I became a mom more than 40 years later, on the cusp of the COVID-19 pandemic. We also became parents at different points in our lives; my mom and dad were 20-somethings when they had my older sister, while my husband and I had our first child after 40.

Yet, despite parenting young children five decades apart, my dad and I seem to align when it comes to our values—Jewish and beyond—in raising our respective daughters. What follows are some excerpts from my recent interview with my dad, about fatherhood.

Me: What kind of dad was your dad—my grandpa—to you and your brother?

Dad: He was extremely kind to everybody. He was a World War II veteran and never went to college, and he worked hard, long hours. But when he had time, he would spend time with my younger brother and me. My favorite memories of him are going to the beach and swimming in the ocean with him on Long Island.

What has surprised you most about being a dad?

That it doesn’t end, ever. It’s a lifelong thing. Sometimes we get the impression that when your kids go off to college or move out, the job of being a parent is over. But I consider fatherhood a lifelong proposition—and the most rewarding thing in my life.

When we were younger, what did you love most about being a dad?

Honestly, it was the simple, everyday things more than the big stuff. I loved doing the most simple activities with you—it didn’t have to be elaborate. Making breakfast together, playing in the yard, throwing a ball, planting a flower. I loved “adventure walks” in the neighborhood.

What was your least favorite part?

The birthday parties—being responsible for 8-10 tween girls sleeping over at our house wasn’t fun. In general, I didn’t love ages 12 to 15.

Were we annoying?

Yes! You girls were constantly arguing with your mom and me. No matter what we said, you rolled your eyes.

Did you ever wish you had sons?

No, I preferred to be a girl dad.

What looks harder today about parenting?

In general, people had children younger back then. Your mom and I were much younger, and it’s harder to be an older parent, because you’re more tired and often have more responsibilities. Being a parent in the age of social media is much tougher. And there was very little helicopter parenting back then, like there is now. You girls were allowed to go places and do more things on your own than kids today. And it’s much more expensive—there’s no comparison.

What’s easier about parenting today?

Today, there’s much more information and dialogue about being parents that’s readily available. Before, there was Dr. Spock, but not many others.

What’s a trait that you passed down to your daughters?

You’re empathetic, caring people, and that’s the most important thing … but mostly that came from your mother.

What’s your biggest wish for your children and your grandchildren?

To lead a fulfilling life and enjoy life with your own families. Also, for my grandchildren, I wish them to live in a world where they don’t have to worry about antisemitism all around them.

What’s your favorite Jewish memory of raising us?

I just loved going to Israel with you girls. Here at home, I loved Shabbat dinners together—and still do today.

What are your biggest pieces of advice for dads today?

Let your kids try things when they’re young, and even fail. Also, it’s hackneyed, but time really does go so fast. Don’t look at your phone when you’re playing with your kids. Just give them your attention. Just be present.